Small and Cheap Aren’t Synonyms! (Our Wedding Our Way)

23 Thursday Jun 2011

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The first time I googled “small weddings” the top response was “cheap weddings”.  In disgust, I clicked off the computer and walked out of the room. Perhaps a bit of an overreaction on my part, handling frustration isn’t always my long suit.

At the first announcement that I was getting married, my best-friend gave  me a congratulations card and one of those bridal magazines. It’s incredible what you can learn in those magazines. I learned that I  had an official title –  encore bride. I wasn’t even struggling with the whole second marriage label but it was exciting to discover there was an official title for my new role.  What was even more incredible was the overwhelming number of options available to brides who were in the midst of planning a wedding.

For  a week, I poured over every page of that magazine,  ooohing and ahhhing over the beautifully set reception tables, the magnificent bridal bouquets, and the heavily adorned wedding dresses. It was all very beautiful,  my inner princess was delighted, but very little of what I saw in those elaborate magazines was what my fiancé, Greg, and I really wanted for our wedding. We were both “encores”( assuming encore isn’t gender specific),  in our 50s, and dealing with a limited budget.  I had perused the bookstores and purchased additional magazines. But by the time I got the “cheap wedding” response, on the computer,  I was at my wits end.

One afternoon,  Greg, recognizing my continued frustration, came home with one more book. It was entitled Intimate Weddings.  I was touched by his thoughtfulness. The book’s relatively small size (for a wedding book) and its soft yellow colored cover encouraged me to let down my guard long enough to flip through the pages.  I was instantly charmed. I loved the author’s use of words and her delightful description of possibilities.  I realized that I had been focusing on what I couldn’t have, with our limited budget, instead of all of the possibilities I could explore with a small wedding. It was the turning point in my own wedding planning.  

In the months that followed, as we made the decisions that are typically associated with wedding planning, we consciously tried to think of ways to infuse the ceremony and reception with personal touches. I now realize that the road to our wedding day was filled with more than schedules to keep and choices to make. It was filled with affirmations of long held values, and a few personal insights, as well.

My Uncle Leonard, my father’s youngest brother, married us. I can see a bit of my father in his face and in his demeanor. My father was a much younger man when he passed away but I can still see the family resemblance. My father would be so proud of him….and of me.

Alexandra, my best friend’s daughter, was my bridesmaid. I am an only child but she is still my “niece.” Family bonds are as much a matter of the heart as they are about genetics, for me. On the day of the wedding, Alex wore, around her neck, a strand of my mother’s pearls. I still miss my mom. Although she never knew Alex as a young woman, she had loved her as a child and young teen. It was a sentimental reminder of the love we all had shared.

Greg and I purchased pocket watches, as gifts, for his parents. Time is the ultimate gift. The watches symbolized all the time his parents had spent caring for him, loving him, supporting him…helping to form him into the man that I love. The watches also stood for that precious portion of time – the future – that stood ahead of all of us. We tucked a picture of ourselves, in the case, to remind them of this particularly special moment in time.

In the middle of our reception, we took a small break for a photo montage. I’ll always remember how I felt, standing with Greg by my side, as we watched the images flash before us. The montage began with a short tribute to the memory of my loving parents. But instead of moving on to pictures of Greg and me, the images transitioned to pictures of our guests. Secretly, we’d chosen a few pictures of each of our guests and their families.  Those photos and some  favorite music selections were handed over to a videographer.  The finished product was our way of saying – Your lives are important to us. Without all of you and the influence of your love and friendship, we couldn’t be all that we are…we wouldn’t be here.

The personal touches weren’t all  the results of such serious thought. We definitely left room for the expression of those  individual  personal characteristics that help define us. There is a part of me that has never outgrown the love of all things frilly or sparkly. She’s the inner princess that loved everything in that original bridal magazine. I chose my wedding shoes in honor of her.

Our wedding day had been designed to reflect the things that were of value to us.  It was filled with friends and family and a reminder of the way they had enriched our lives. It was filled with the traditions of marriage that were close to our heart. It was filled with personal touches that made our wedding day “uniquely ours.” Our wedding was small… but only in size.

Intimate Weddings was published in 2004. The blog, Intimate Weddings, was started four years later.

Will You Stand By My Side?

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrations, Personal Memories, Uncategorized

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I was ready to pop the question. A little luncheon had been planned in honor of this special occasion. The house was clean, the table set, and a few appropriate words had been rehearsed. I was a little nervous but I was ready.

But what I was about to propose wasn’t marriage. I had invited Alexandra, my fifteen year old niece, and her mom, to lunch where I was going to ask her to be the one and only bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding.

I think it is a magical factor of human nature that we are capable of knowing we will love someone or something before they actually become a tangible part of our lives. But it is an experience most of us have had. I knew that I would love Alex even before she was born. I was enchanted holding her for the first time.

Even though I knew that I would love her, I could not possibly have known all the wonderful memories that we would build together. I could not have possibly imagined all of the joy that she would bring to my life. I could not have envisioned all of the giggles and the hugs that we would share over the next decade and a half.

So, I wanted this luncheon to be more than an opportunity to anticipate and prepare for my special day. I wanted it to be an opportunity to celebrate the unique bond that she and I had developed.

The luncheon table had been decorated in browns and pinks to match a bridesmaid tote that I had bought for her. Pictures, chosen from different stages of her life, served as our centerpiece. A banner, asking the big question, hung across the doorway. While she knew she was coming to lunch, I don’t think that she suspected my ulterior motive.

It was fun to see the surprise in her face.  

And even more fun to spend the next six months shopping and dreaming and building even more memories, together.

And when the big day finally arrived, that sweet, beautifully radiant child, who had been so close to my heart, for so many years, was there ready and willing to stand by my side. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

                   Happy 18th Birthday! (June 14, 2011)        I love you.

Becoming a Memory-Keeper for a Special Bride

08 Wednesday Jun 2011

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Most wedding ceremonies last for about an hour.  Add a sit down dinner reception and the celebration will last for several hours. Decide to invite your guests to a romantic setting where everyone stays in small cottages and the celebration lasts throughout the week-end (I actually know of someone who did just that) and you might get 72 hours of wedding celebration.

 But I think that I am safe in saying that whatever the length of the celebration, it pales in comparison to the time spent planning for the special day. Brides-to-be spend hours preparing. They try on dresses, taste entrées, make music selections. All the hours spent in the prep can be exhausting and frustrating but those hours can also be sources of some amazing memories.

A photographer, hired to record the special moments of the wedding day, is considered a necessity. But what happens to all of those special moments that occurred during those numerous planning days? They get filed away and too often (I fear) forgotten.  Yet they are the very moments that help to make the big day such a magical event.

 What I am about to propose (no pun intended) is that there could be someone who records some of those special wedding prep moments – someone who becomes a memory-keeper for the bride. And that someone could be you.

Who me?

This job is designed for someone who is close enough to the bride to naturally be included in much of the planning. It doesn’t mean you actually have to be with her everywhere she goes for wedding prep but it assumes you are close enough to the bride that she will be sharing her big-day planning experiences with you on a somewhat regular basis.  It assumes you’re willing to keep little notes on the events as they occur and willing to keep a temporary secret. And most importantly, you think it sounds like fun!

What tools do I  need?

Get yourself a small, basic notebook. It should fit easily into your purse or pocket. It shouldn’t be fancy. Resist the temptation to buy something that might invite you to focus on something other than just recording facts. Don’t worry about what you write – just write. There will be a chance, later on, to rewrite entries if you decide. Save the descriptive phrases and fancy verbs for then.

  How do I do this?

You are not going to be lurking in dark places with your notebook.  In fact, you don’t really have to keep what you are doing a secret. You’ll see why I think it’s fun to keep it a secret later in the blog. As you become privy to information, date and record it in your notebook.  I am assuming that, if you are choosing to try this activity, you know the bride fairly well.  Record facts that you feel will be meaningful to her. Be kind. If something happens that might be considered embarrassing, exercise good judgment. You know the bride so you are best to make that distinction.

What memories do I keep?

Some of the memories that are perfect to “keep” will be obvious.  A mother-of-the-bride getting teary when she first sees her daughter, in a wedding gown, might be predictable. The words she uses to express her feelings will be personally unique and meaningful. They might even hold some surprises.  When the florist, who has been working with ten other clients that day, calls the bride by the wrong name, it might be annoying at the time but it could be funny, later. As you go along, you’ll recognize the opportunities where you should record a fact.  Regardless of what you do or don’t choose, you really can’t do this job incorrectly. Let your genuine love and friendship, for the bride, guide your choices.

What do I do with these collected memories?

Think of times and places where it might be fun to use these bits of trivia.

How about a bridal shower?  We’ve all been there. It’s the chatter that goes on, between guests, while playing those shower games that makes them fun. Bride Bingo, without it, can be down-right painful. Try the challenge of turning bits of information about the wedding and your unique memories into a game.  You could divide your memories into categories and have party guests try to answer easy 100 point questions or be challenged by those 500 point questions.  Obviously, only a few people may know the name that the florist accidentally used when conferring with the bride, but it will make for fun conversation.  Typically, the bride knows all of the answers to any bridal game question. But even she may have to search her memory for some of these answers. If you have kept your memory keeping a secret, these little facts will be a fun surprise, for the bride, as well as the guests.

Responsible for a wedding toast? Your memories might provide just the additional anecdote, funny or sentimental, that you were looking for to complete that toast.

You can eventually turn your notes into a gift. At this point, you might purchase or make a little book that is a bit more decorative and rewrite some or all of your entries. If you feel comfortable adding those descriptive phrases and fancy verbs, now is the time. I personally feel that the memories themselves are special enough but that is up to you. This little book of memories could be a Happy First Anniversary Gift.

I think that you will find, while collecting all of these memories, it has made the planning steps more meaningful and more enjoyable for you. That’s a perk right there!

Celebrating a friend’s wedding day is incredibly special. Celebrating a friend’s preparation for that day, by being a keeper of the memories, is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that will stay, with both of you, forever.

I have been a memory keeper, myself, but I was recording for another unique event. If you have questions or would like a little additional help, please feel free to ask. If you decide to “become a memory keeper”, I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Kim’s Bachelorette Party

01 Wednesday Jun 2011

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Celebrations naturally accompany friendships so I guess you might say Kim and I have experienced over 30 years of shared celebrations. We became buddies in the earliest years of our teaching careers and recently joined the ranks of the retired. Still friends – but after all those years – more like sisters than buddies.

June is the month of brides and all things wedding. It seems fitting that a June blog, on celebrations,  should be about a wedding related celebration. This story is over 20 years old but it still makes me smile to retell it.

Kim had announced that she was getting married and I wanted to give her a Bachelorette Party. I wanted it to be an evening with lots of time for sharing but I also wanted a bit of tradition. Somehow guys had to be a part of the equation even though the classic evening with a gang of girl-friends and a male-stripper just wasn’t the right fit.

Trying to think of an idea that compliments occasion is always fun for me. It’s a bit like putting puzzle pieces together. I decided the first part of the evening, and the most lengthy, should be with just the two of us. Somehow I would add the “man” touch at the end of the night. The pieces of the puzzle finally came together. I needed something like those life-sized  cut-outs of movie stars you see in a video store advertising the newest movie release. But, I didn’t really want movie stars. I wanted guys that had been a part of our lives. I would have to make them myself!

The men needed to be life-sized and dimensional. I ended up creating something like large puffy paper dolls. Discarded sheets of butcher paper, previously used to cover classroom bulletin boards, are easy to come by in a school setting. I knew my choice of colors would be limited to the primary colors typically found in a classroom but they could serve as bodies and clothing. I’d have to make faces out of something closer to skin color. I needed a body template so I asked a friend, who was sworn to secrecy, to take home one large sheet and trace her husband. From that template, I traced twelve bodies to be the fronts and backs of six men. For several nights, I spent my evenings stapling the sides of the paper bodies,adding the torn newspaper as stuffing, then stapling the opposite side to seal the paper doll body. As I stapled and stuffed, I ran through years of memories to determine just who would be in attendance that night. I wanted the men, in attendance, to be somewhat representative of the experiences of our friendship as single women.

Our first principal, Dave, needed to be there. I remembered him with a big smile and a genuine concern for children. He had a dream of owning a pet store specializing in birds. I wished I’d had a parrot for his shoulder but I settled on a t-shirt from the school where we had first taught together.

Steven and Joe represented our twenty-something years. The dating scene needed to receive some recognition. The four of us had gone on a skiing date. I knew I could dig out my old skis and poles. The guys provided memories. The ski gear served as decoration.

Ramon, her fiance, had to be in attendance. I gave him a little crown. He isn’t really the crown type but it added to the ridiculousness of the whole evening.

When I was done, there were six guests in all. A little crepe paper and a few balloons and we were ready to party.

The night of the party Kim came to pick me up. I purposely told her that I would just walk out to the car so we’d have as much time at dinner as possible. Combine friends and food and time always goes by quickly. We never seem to have enough time to just talk, anyway. I was excited about going back to the condo for the surprise but as we got closer I began to suffer tha pangs of self-doubt. Was this ideas a little creative, albeit silly, or just plain stupid?  What if Kim didn’t get the meaning of all of it?  But I was in too deep at this point and one of the reasons that Kim is such a good friend is the she “gets” me. I felt certain she would recognize that I planned this goofy party out of love and genuine happiness for her impending wedding.

As we approached the front door, I purposely started to talk just a bit louder than normal and faked fumbling at the door lock. I could tell Kim recognized the awkwardness of the moment. But I just opened the door and motioned her inside. As she stepped in, I shouted “surprise” with all the enthusiasm of a hostess with fifty waiting guests. Then I stood there, frozen, in anticipation of her reaction. I’m sure Kim was confused for a moment before it all made sense. I don’t remember exactly how it all happened but the next thing I knew we were both laughing and I was retelling the whole planning of the evening. Kim was working her way around to all of the guests as I snapped photos. We laughed and talked and reminisced about all the crazy things we had done over the years.

Catching up on old times
Bunny ears for Dave
Kim and the guys
Dan and me
Kim and her prince

When the evening was over we loaded all of the men into her car, waved good-bye and they drove away. The image of her Jeep Cherokee packed with six paper-stuffed men is etched in my mind forever. Why I didn’t take of picture of that, I’ll never know!

 
Kim’s Bachelorette Party was over. We had celebrated our friendship and where it had been and we had celebrated Kim’s life and where it was going. Life goes by so quickly and friendships are so valuable. We had taken a small moment in time and made it into an event – a celebration. For me…that’s always the appropriate thing to do.